No Contact Rule Works.

Ok, so what is this “No Contact Rule” and why should I consider it?  

No matter how you put it, getting over someone can be brutal.  There is a sense of emptiness and brokenness… and lots of pain.  Pain mostly comes from no longer having the person you love next to you.  There is also confusion in your thoughts.  One part of you wants him back, where another part of you wants to forget and move on.  

Your desire to feel better will try to convince you that if you get back together right away, everything will be ok.  But as we know, going back to your ex this way is one of the biggest mistakes you could make.  That could only make things worse.  This is why the no contact rule is crucial.  It will ultimately help you see things clearly and therefore, will allow you to make sober decisions about getting back with him.  

So, why does the no contact rule work?  

Once you break up, you have 2 options:  

1. Get over him

2. Get him back

In order to do either of these 2 things, you need to “first” do ONE thing to get there. Make a clean break and cut off every communication with your ex.  This is what no contact rule is and no matter what others say, it works.

Every day, women share via online communities saying that when they began applying the no contact rule, many of their exes were beginning to beg them to come back.

I know it can be hard after a breakup to stop all communications because… let’s face it, your ex is like a drug you are trying to quit using, and it’s really tempting to get your fix when you can even knowing it’s bad for you. Maybe he texts you to meet up a few days after he broke up with you.  You are feeling good and high only to go through a withdrawal afterward.  This could be a cycle where you go through a few crushing disappointments.  Your “fix” comes in forms of text, calls, tweets, meeting for drinks … but the fact is, you are not fixing anything that will last between you and him.

The best way to recover and begin seeing things maturely is when you quit cold turkey.  If not, you ruin a chance of getting back with him that will make it last this time.

When you broke up, all the reasons why your relationship ended are still present.  The problems simply don’t fix themselves.  So when you get back together because you miss one another, not much would have been different.  You will most likely go through the same issues that caused you to break up in the first place.  You could end up in a cycle of break up and make up for months and years… What a waste of time and energy!

Keeping the no contact rule will give you clarity and proper perspective. Then you will have the confidence and power to choose what is good for you.  Will you ever get back together with your ex?  Maybe or maybe not.  Either way, the nocontact period will help you make a better judgment call.   

How do I apply the no contact rule?

No contact for a period of at least one month.  Would that feel like an eternity?  Yes, but it works if you stick to it.  No contact means – “zero” contact with your ex.

They include: No to all social media platforms (Facebook, tweets, Instagrams, snapchats… etc), phone texts, phone calls… no responding when he contacts you and no intentionally bumping into him.  In addition, no peeking into his social accounts – Although this isn’t exactly a form of contact, it’s just as bad.  


1.  Time, Space, and Detox

After a breakup, you need time and space to detox from the emotional ordeal you are going through.  A breakup will make you feel heavy and you will want to mourn to feel lighter.  You need to simply be with yourself and go through the process.  As painful as it may feel, it’s going to make you stronger and wiser.  You make smarter decisions when you have the proper strength.  This process can give you that.  

One person you should not allow to interrupt your time is your ex.  If he keeps coming in and out of your life, your mind will go through all kinds of confusion.  I am sure it’s not his intention to confuse you and hurt you more.  He’s most likely in emotional pain and he misses you.  I might just want to be sure you are doing ok.  But if you continue to engage with him this way, you will NOT be ok.        

2. Detoxing gives you better perspective

Best decisions are made objectively and where feelings are present, it’s nearly impossible to see things clearly.  After you have spent some time and space apart from your ex, you will be able to see the things that went wrong.  Couples get into fights and makeup all the time, but the one fight that leads to a break up normally has its roots deep within.  You had a huge fall out because there were things happening beneath the surface… it was a matter of time. 

There are underlying issues and you need this time out in order to know what they are.  You won’t know them clearly unless you step outside your emotional box.  Distance grants you objectivity.  The highly emotional state will blur your judgment.  Before you can solve any problem, first you need to identify what the problem is… Who knows?  You may have been in a toxic relationship and didn’t really know it.  In this case, it could open yourself up to other men.   

3. You avoid the on/off relationship fiasco

Here’s a common scenario.  He drunk texts you at 12 am just to show up at your door around 1 am.  You let him in thinking it’s no big deal… you feel sorry for him and at the same time, you missed him.  But I am here to remind you that these meetings are a huge mistake.

This is what we call “no-mans-land” relationship.  You talk sometimes, have coffee sometimes, go out sometimes… Nothing really ever gets solved. A dreadful pattern begins to take place – break up, miss one another, and get back together (feel high), realize again things aren’t working out, break up … rinse and repeat.  

You need to step back and clear the way to move on.  And if you still want him back, it’s not too late.  In fact, you will have a better chance to get him back.  You don’t need to think that you’ll have a better chance only if you go to him when he wants to be with you… because this is NOT true.  You have a much better chance of getting back together if you move on and heal yourself.  Missing him and wanting to be with him is not enough for a relationship to last…

4.  It can help you reorganize your life

Contact Rule

Because you are able to think more clearly, you will be able to get back in touch with who you are.  Think of yourself as a broken lego… you need to put the pieces of your life back together.  You can easily get lost in a bad relationship with all its ups and downs and arguments and makeups…

It is most likely that things were bad between you for a while.  Now is the time for you to work on a relationship with yourself because it’s the stepping stone to obtaining a healthy relationship with others.  Feeding your emotional needs by staying in close contact with him won’t let you get what you truly need at this time.

RELATED: Discover why your confidence matters in a relationship.

5. You will see that you can live without him

You may feel like he’s the source of your breath… like water to a fish.  And it hurts badly being without him.  But here are 4 words you must remember – “You will be fine!”  You will go on as life will go on.  Your mind will clear out and suddenly you’ll realize you can live without him.  Heck, you might even see that you are better off without him.  

You deserve to give yourself this chance.  But you will not be able to know this unless you go through life without him.  Give yourself the chance to re-learn what you are made of.  Give yourself the chance to stand on your own and smile without him.  You will be able to function normally again… and more likely stronger than before.  

6. Restricts you from knowing what he’s up to

Here’s the thing.  You really don’t want to know what he’s up to… even though you want to.  How would you feel when you find out he’s been seeing another woman?  This is why even checking up on him on facebook or other social media is a no-no.  

The fact that he may be seeing other women doesn’t necessarily translate to he has moved on from you.  Many men do this to try to get their ex’s attention.  In any case, you won’t be thinking with your head because seeing him with another girl will deeply crush you.  Follow the no contact rule and spare yourself from this type of emotional agony.  Why?  Because you need to keep the focus on you at this time.

7. He will miss you

By now, you likely see that no contact rule is more about you than anyone. But there is one added bonus: it will make your ex think about you and miss you.

Keep in mind though, you should never use this as your primary motive to apply the no contact rule.  Does it work?  Absolutely, it works most of the time… but it only works when you apply the no contact rule to primarily work on yourself.   

Our hope is that you take time to work on yourself by getting back to yourself through this one month period.  So when he reaches out afterward, you may be in a healthier mindset and have a shot at the 2nd time around.

RELATED: When Your Ex Understands This, Everything Changes

Final Thought:

This may sound counterintuitive, but with no contact rule, you will find the strength to first get over him (not completely, but close).  This will serve you better in the long run whether you get back together or not.  Many couples that have gone through time off period like this, got back together again stronger than ever… even to marriage. But if he doesn’t want you back after this period, then you would have already begun your life without him.  You may even realize you don’t want him back after the no contact period. Whatever the outcome may look like, you will always have the upper hand. That is why the no contact rule works.

Take the Quiz

FIND OUT (accurately) if you have a chance of getting your ex back. There are 10 short questions that engage your thoughts on your partner and yourself. Take the quiz and see what your next move should be.

Close Me
Looking for Something?
Post Categories: