(even when you know it’s really over)
By Belinda Art
Why do we find it almost impossible to let go and move on? It’s not like we don’t know how toxic and pointless it is to continue pining for an ex.
When you get fired from a job that sucked the life out of you, you end up feeling “relieved”. Although it’s never a good feeling to be let go, you would appreciate the freedom you are about to encounter. In fact, you will be thankful with each passing day that you are fired and will have the motivation to put yourself out there to look for a job that’s far better… where you will be appreciated and valued. I am pretty sure you will not spend your nights wallowing in what went wrong. It will be crystal clear to you that it was not the right job for you.
Now, you are in a relationship that’s sucking the life out of you despite the fact that you are trying all your best to make it work. You give it all you’ve got at the expense of your emotional well-being, your dignity, and ego. You try as much as possible to make him stay but he still breaks up with you. Being with him was miserable and you are even more miserable now without him. You pin away for weeks, months and perhaps years.
Although I used a job as an illustration here, a relationship is a lot harder because, through relationship failure, our fears, egos, insecurities, past pain, trauma get all twisted within us. That makes it hard to move on. Some pieces of yourself also go missing… it takes time to find yourself and put yourself together.
A lot of people’s notion is that they get bitter and moody after break up because they are missing their partner. While this is partially true, it’s mostly due to other reasons.
And here they are:
WHY YOU ARE NOT OVER YOUR EX
1. Infatuation, Not Love
Despite the fact that there is a wide margin between infatuation and love, a lot of people still confuse the two.
- Love is sensibly seeing the person as he is, mistakes and all, yet appreciating him. It makes no demands and creates a peaceful setting where both of you bring out the best in each other.
- Infatuation is making up an unreal image of the other person and putting him on a pedestal … a perfect being. If you cannot find any fault in the other person, you are probably infatuated. Infatuation happens when you do not love yourself enough when you don’t feel good enough about yourself and when there’s a void in your life that he fills up. So, when this perfect being shows interest in you, making you feel worthy and desired, you tend to stay glued to him for that feeling to linger.
Eventually, he packs his stuff and moves out of your life, leaving you miserable and frustrated. It does not stop there; you continue to idolize him thinking you will feel better when he comes back.
Are you ok with whatever he says? Are you feeding yourself with his approval? Does the thought of losing him terrify you? If they are all yes, you are believing he is giving you something you “desperately” need. Until you respect and love yourself within, you will always struggle with chasing approval and you will continue to be vulnerable.
2. You Think You Will Never Find Someone Like Him Again
This is one of the strong reasons a lot of people find it difficult to move on after a breakup. They get swallowed up in this belief, “Since he made me feel special like no one else has, I doubt I would find anyone like him”.
You convince yourself with the fallacy that no man on earth could make you feel the way he did. Then you tie yourself down with two choices: either you get him back with him or you settle for a man who does not measure up. Sounds familiar? Here is the kicker – No people are exactly alike. Besides, you’ve already proven to yourself that you’d already broken up with someone like him… and you want to find another someone like him? (Sorry, Adele)
It’s a good thing that not two people are characteristically identical. There IS someone far better and more compatible with you.
3. You Miss How You Felt When You were With Him
In most cases, what you miss isn’t the ex; it’s what you experienced when you were still together. You miss the experience of being admired, close, intimate, and desire. This means you miss how he made you feel more who he is.
Have you ever tried to quit coffee or cigarettes cold turkey? Yeah, addiction to feeling is quite powerful. Initial stage is the hardest, but in time your dysfunctional thoughts and emotions will get its grip and you WILL function normally, or even stronger than before.
Sure, you will miss the feeling of being loved. The best way to fill this void space is to surround yourself with positive people who truly love you as you are. Use this time to concentrate on becoming a better version of yourself. Learn to rely on yourself to attain a feeling of worth, not on others.
4. Selective Memory
Most women have a selective memory syndrome after a breakup. You only reminisce about the lovely moments you had while in a relationship. Why? Rightfully so, you miss the good things. While you really did have great times together, you ignore everything else that went so wrong. Or else, you would still be together.
Let’s be honest. Instead of letting your memories take you up into the clouds, you need to remind yourself of the main reasons why your relationship ended in the first place. Breakups don’t usually happen from simple things. They happen because 2 adults in their entirety were not a good match. It’s time to focus your past to now and future. As feel good as those memories are, they often times slow you down.
Breakups can make you feel like you are losing it. In fact, you will likely lose it after a breakup. It’s like you are dead while still breathing. It’s actually death in disguise; all of the promises and hopes seem dead. Getting over it can be difficult but you need to accept that even though you’ve had good moments together, you were not good enough to stand the test of time. And that’s completely ok. Think of this time as your new journey towards finding the right one for you.
5. You Took It Too Personally
We all have some degree of ego, and when we break up it feels like our ego has been invaded. Sure, getting the cold shoulder hurts “even if” it wasn’t your fault … it makes you feel you fall short. We need to see this as objectively and simply as possible. Some couples aren’t just mentally and emotionally compatible – bad match.
Being stuck in a bad relationship is much worse off than being single. It’s ok to have been involved in a relationship where you two were not a good match. This never means you are not good enough. So don’t take it personally and take into account that your next relationship may very well be the best yet. Your best move now is to emotionally and mentally move forward from this broken relationship; that way you could be ready for someone better to walk through.
Try exploring other options. Get a feel for what’s out there. You may just see it’s time to give someone ELSE a chance and you will soon discover that your “need” to have your ex back DISAPPEAR out the window.
LEARN MORE: Here is an article on what makes a lasting relationship – The One Thing That Proves You’re Meant For Each Other